The Philly Accent

Listen up Hollywood, and listen up good – PHILADELPHIANS DO NOT TALK LIKE PUNCH-DRUNK, MARBLE-MOUTHED BUMS FROM BROOKLYN.

Rocky got the Philadelphia accent totally wrong. Invincible got it wrong too. Philadelphia Story, Trading Places, Thirtysomething, and Philadelphia didn’t even try.

Hollywood pays screenwriters and consultants a fortune to make movies and TV shows that are “authentic” in every detail, and yet, when making a movie or TV show set in Philadelphia, it never occurs to them that the characters ought to sound like actual Philadelphians.

Well, that’s about to change.

Welcome to Philly Accent 101, Hollywood bozos. Class is now in session.

And another thing...

How come everyone who speaks English with an accent and ISN’T from Philadelphia is elegant, funny and/or charming? Think about it. Julie Andrews. “Crocodile Guy” Steve Irwin. Maurice Chevalier. Monty Python. Austin Powers. Zsa Zsa Gabor. The Beatles. The Kennedy family. Jimmy Buffett. Fat Bastard. Dolly Parton. Moon Unit Zappa. The entire cast of Fargo.

And oh, those quaint expressions. “Always after me Lucky Charms.” “Da Bears.” “Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?” “I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnnniggets.” People’s response? “Oh how cute! Oh how witty! Let me imitate your accent so I can be charming and cute and witty just like you!”

But then when you try to speak with a Philadelphia accent, what’s the response? “Shut up, you ignoramus, and learn how to speak English! You’re embarrassing yourself!”

Enough already – we Philadelphians are proud of our accent! We’re just as elegant, charming and witty as the rest of you, and if you don’t think so, go stick your head in the crapper.